7 Hard Truths About Parenting
#1 Parenting may not be exactly what you expected
If you are a parent reading this post, I imagine you will agree that parenting can be capital H-A-R-D and perhaps… not exactly what you were expecting.
When visualizing parenthood many imagine a series of picturesque moments such as rocking a calm and sleeping baby, kicking a soccer ball around a perfectly manicured lawn, or sharing lifelong family traditions with cooperative and smiling children. And while this does happen, sometimes, parenthood is also about all of those other moments in between. I am confident that very few parents have fantasized about the difficulties of balancing work with being present, mediating constant sibling quarrels, the volume of arguments erupting over homework, supporting a child that is being bullied, and the constant calming and reassuring both they and their children would require.
Parenthood is not either rewarding or hard work — it’s both. And during certain periods it can be more of one or the other. Acknowledging and accepting this as a natural part of the process helps us have more compassion for ourselves and our children and facilitates our ability to change course as needed.
#2 What worked for one child may not work for another
While pregnant with my first child someone told me, “You never really know who is going to come out.” They were so right. Three kids later, I can attest to the fact that each of my children is their own person with different interests, ability levels, wants, and needs. What worked for one child did not always work for the other. I see this all the time in my work. Parents may say:
“But his older brother has always been so easygoing.”
“How can my toddler be better at sharing than my second grader?”
“She cries over every little thing and her sister is the happiest kid you’ll ever meet.”
Plain and simple, kids are different people even if they do share genes. And parenting different people means we often have to readjust our approach.
#3 “You love all your children, but you don’t like them all the same, all the time”
My pediatrician once said, “You love all your children, but you don’t like them, all the same, all the time.” Maybe you’re nodding your head or maybe you’re gasping in disbelief. It’s true. It’s challenging to enjoy the company of another human that is screaming in your face, refusing to follow “simple” directions, and whose behaviors are constantly creating conflict in your home. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them – it means something very challenging is going on and that you are likely feeling overwhelmed. It means you need support.
#4 Parenthood stirs up the past
One thing that consistently comes up in my work with parents is how much parenthood stirs things up, emotionally. Your own history of how you were parented and your parents’ expectations of you as a child are likely to come up in your own parenting and relationship with your children. I often hear comments such as:
“I am turning into my mother.”
“My father used to do this.”
“I would have never been allowed to get away with that.”
“This happened to me and I turned out fine.”
One example might be a parent who experienced physical abuse in their childhood being highly reactive to their own young child hitting a sibling. While we should absolutely intervene and help our children learn healthy ways of expressing their feelings and dealing with conflict, it is developmentally normal for a very young child to hit when feeling overwhelmed. Exploring a parent’s history of being parented can help a therapist better support them. In this example, the therapist may help the parent disentangle their own trauma reactions from what is happening in the present with their child. This can help the parent in this example be less reactive and in turn, more effective.
In these instances, it’s worth taking a closer look to gain more clarity about the traditions we want to uphold and the experiences we do not want to pass down to our children.
There are many parenting experts that provide scripts on what to say in certain situations. This can be very helpful and I even incorporate some of this in my work. However, the experiences of feeling triggered and the urge to fix things when your child is upset often goes much deeper.
#5 Parenthood is about more than just you and your child
We established that your personal history plays a role in your parenting and parent-child relationships. Now add to that your co-parent’s own history of experiences, your relationship with your co-parent, your mental health, and the resources and support systems available to you and your children. Your children’s relationship with each other as well as other family members also plays an important role. Additionally, as children age, their relationships with peers, teachers, and coaches becomes more influential. There are so many factors at play.
If you are feeling healthy, at peace, and connected to your co-parent and child, the task of parenting will feel lighter and more do-able than if the opposite is true. At any moment, any of these factors can change, adding stress to the family system, straining relationships, and impacting overall mental health. Parenting is important work. It makes perfect sense that parents would need support.
#6 Becoming a parent changes your perspective
I remember working at a prestigious New York City clinic where my job was to help parents with their children’s challenging behaviors. At the time, I was expecting my first child and believed that my clinical experience and knowledge of child development were all I needed. Fast forward to today… oh my goodness.
Did I have enough training and knowledge to help these parents? Yes. Did my own parenting experience change my perspective and approach? 100% YES. The biggest shift for me was grasping how incredibly challenging parenting can be and how much this can interfere with our best intentions and efforts. Before becoming a parent I was a competent psychologist, albeit slightly idealistic. As a seasoned parent, I find that my ability to empathize with the struggle and offer more “do-able” interventions has notably improved. If a family is assigned a task that is too complicated or requires too much time for them, it is less likely to get done and therefore, will be less effective; thus, leading to a larger sense of helplessness and hopelessness.
Working with parents means building up caregivers at an individual level, working together to figure out how to best help a child in a way that is doable for their family, and helping the family stay on track.
#7 Parents are just people with kids
We get tired. We get cranky. We need help. Taking care of yourself is essential to helping you be more present and emotionally available for yourself and your children. Sometimes this means creating time for you and the things you like aside from parenting, sometimes it means leaning on social supports, and sometimes it means consulting with a professional. That’s for you to decide.